Relationships

Dr. Oz: Lack of Sex Could be Killing You

By AOL Health Editors Jun 22nd 2010 10:49AM

Categories: Healthy Living, Relationships

What is the No. 1 health problem in the United States? It's not obesity. It's lack of sex.

That's the word from Dr. Mehmet Oz, a cardiothoracic surgeon who is the host of the syndicated "Dr. Oz Show." He insists that not having sex frequently enough could be killing you.

"People are no longer comfortable revving their engine in life," Dr. Oz told The Boston Herald. "What I hear in public is obesity, but what I hear in private is the sexual famine."

And if you're using that tired old excuse of being too sleepy for sex, Dr. Oz has a retort that will wake you up. Passing up sex just to go to sleep faster could be a life-or-death choice. "The average American has sex once a week, and we know from studies, that doubling that to twice a week can mean you live three years longer," he told the Herald. "I think you can say it's an excuse to have more sex."

Why are we so reluctant to get it on? Dr. Oz says women aren't as excited about the prospect of a little passion because they're getting short-changed in the sack. "One in seven women never has an orgasm. Is it an intimacy problem with the person you love? Or is it a physical problem?" he asked the Herald.

What is our biggest hang-up? We won't talk about it! "There is a general unwillingness to talk about it," Dr. Oz told the Herald. "When we don't face the reality of what our body is telling us, it's a disservice."

--From the Editors at Netscape

Click through the gallery below for tips on putting sex back in your marriage.

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Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

Schedule a Going-In Date

A going-in date is basically your traditional dinner date, but instead of hitting the town, you, well, hit that thing. Kirschner advises you to arrange for the kids to be elsewhere and the dishes to be done. At least at first, "it helps to imagine that you're having an affair with each other, because an affair is the opposite of mundane," Kirschner says. In other words, by pretending you're involved in an illicit rendezvous, you add novelty to your relationship, which automatically ups the excitement factor. Another good thing about the faux affair is that it takes effort: You wouldn't meet your lover wearing a ripped t-shirt from your 1994 trip to Disney World, so you shouldn't meet your spouse in that get-up either.

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Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

By Justine van der Leun

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of "Love in 90 Days," offers up ways to get your sex life back on track.

Schedule a Going-In Date

A going-in date is basically your traditional dinner date, but instead of hitting the town, you, well, hit that thing. Kirschner advises you to arrange for the kids to be elsewhere and the dishes to be done. At least at first, "it helps to imagine that you're having an affair with each other, because an affair is the opposite of mundane," Kirschner says. In other words, by pretending you're involved in an illicit rendezvous, you add novelty to your relationship, which automatically ups the excitement factor. Another good thing about the faux affair is that it takes effort: You wouldn't meet your lover wearing a ripped t-shirt from your 1994 trip to Disney World, so you shouldn't meet your spouse in that get-up either.

Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

Face the Problem

Whatever the cause, it's important to acknowledge that you're having a problem related to sex. If the lack of sex stems from a physical issue (erectile dysfunction, hormonal fluctuations or drug side effects), see a doctor. If the issue is mental or emotional, talk through it with your spouse or enlist a therapist to mediate. "Avoid being accusatory. Never say, 'You don't satisfy me,'" says Kirschner. Instead, discuss the importance of sex in terms of the relationship. "Make it clear that it's about improving the strength and stability of the couple."

Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

Make Sex a Priority

Couples, especially those with kids, often get so wrapped up in the day-to-day routine that they forget about pleasure. But sex should be at the top, not the bottom, of the to-do list, since marriages without intimacy are likely to fail -- and mom and dad's broken relationship is ultimately much harder on a kid than a missed soccer game, an unironed shirt or a messy living room. "Sex is a key ingredient in the glue that bonds a couple together," says Kirschner. "Just imagine how much your kids would have to pay, emotionally and financially, if you got a divorce, and then ask yourself if it isn't worth it to take an hour out of your schedule."

Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

Ask for It

Be straight with each other about what you want and need in bed. "Real life is not like the movies, where people know exactly what to do," says Kirschner. That's because there is no universal trick to sex; each person has his or her own unique desires. Talk about what turns you on, and listen to what turns your spouse on, so that you can have a mutually beneficial experience beneath the covers. To avoid defensive reactions and hurt feelings, keep the conversation light and positive. "You can say, 'I would love it if you stroked me more,' or 'I would really enjoy it if you were softer...or harder,'" advises Kirschner.

Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

Spice Up Your Life

Good sex between couples takes consistent effort; it doesn't just happen every third Sunday morning of the month. Put yourself on a maintenance program by integrating sexual thoughts and actions into your everyday life. "Your brain is a sex organ," says Kirschner. "You can deliberately create [the feeling of] being turned on." She suggests flirtatious foreplay: Give each other pecks on the cheek; send sweet or scandalous text messages and emails; compliment each other. By making your spouse feel attractive and appreciated, you allow him or her to slough off any insecurities and petty grievances that may be holding back your sex life.

Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

Get in Touch With Yourself

It's a Catch-22: The less sex you have, the less sexy you feel, and the less sexy you feel, the less sex you have. "The thing with your sexuality is it's use it or lose it," says Kirschner. She suggests breaking the sexless cycle by jump-starting your own engine: Masturbation can help you remember the ecstasy your body can provide. You might also treat yourself to some hot lingerie, take a long bath or light some candles. The point is to first reacquaint yourself with your sensual side so that you can soon do the same for your partner.

Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

Play Games

First and foremost, sex should be a rollicking good time, not some grim endeavor conducted by two unsmiling parties. "Games are a good ice breaker," says Kirschner. Games or activities with a sexual element can help you let down your defenses and have some fun. Kirschner suggests strip poker and skinny-dipping. She also endorses playing with food. "Have each other for dessert," she says. "Use whipped cream and chocolate sauce." Sounds sticky, but hey -- you do what you've gotta do.

Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage

Be Patient

Stress and unrealistic expectations about sex can deal the final blow to a struggling marriage, so it's vital to be patient and compassionate with yourselves and each other. "As long as both spouses are working together to move forward, you have a good chance of healing the marriage," says Kirschner. Sometimes, however, it can take months to get back into the groove. Remember: Sex in a marriage is not limited to sexual intercourse, and often a pair must move slowly on the path toward intimacy. "The real goal is to rediscover the closeness and romance and fun you once had," says Kirschner.

Putting Sex Back in Your Marriage